Confessions
by Demia
Summary: Everyone has their secrets, even the cats. Rated to be safe.


Confessions

Author: Ash

Rating: R

Summary: Everyone has their secrets, even the cats.

Disclaimer: I don't own CATS. If I did it would probably be the worst musical ever written.

I got this idea last night after watching some talk show. It'll be a series (hopefully) as long as I can get more ideas for everyone.

**Pouncival**

I feel dirty. Unclean, like I haven't bathed in a month and there and vermin crawling on me because of these horrible thoughts. Thoughts that nobody should have because they're unnatural. Thoughts that the Everlasting cat would look down upon if he knew about.

I noticed it one day while when I was sunbathing. She was so pretty and kind and sweet and just so perfect. She's my mom, I told myself. I can't feel this way about my mom. I laid there in the sun on the old, rickety rocking chair. I thought of things, unnatural things. About everything I could be to her. About her beneath my paws, withering in pleasure from the light touches, and caresses. I though of my lips claiming hers in ways that only mates would. It scared me. I needed to get rid of these thoughts.

I wasn't thinking when I did it. I climbed to the highest junk pile around a jumped landing headfirst. It was Tumble who found me. And took me straight to the person I had to get out of my head. She told me I'd be pretty out of it for a while, that I'd have to stay in bed for at least a couple of days. Not to worry I'm here…

That's what worried me.

The next couple of days, she didn't leave my side. She wanted to make sure I was okay. She didn't want her precious kitten in pain. She'd stroke my head fur and nuzzle me, typical mother stuff, but it made me want things. I had to kill those thoughts. On the third day I was allowed to go out and play. I wouldn't be playing that day. I ran to the farthest side of the junkyard, where things of danger were strewn about. Shattered pieces of glass, electrical wires, and jagged pieces of metal abounded.

I picked up one of the pieces of glass and traced a line over my arm. I kept retracing the path, harder and harder till I finally broke through the skin. A little line of crimson appeared. The cut wasn't too deep, just enough to bleed.

I stayed there all afternoon just thinking about mom, and what she would do if she found out about those thoughts, or what would happen if she found out how I was killing them. When the sun began to set I headed back towards our den, taking the little shard with me.

After that day, anytime I started thinking thoughts like mating and kissing and touching and losing myself in her marmalade colored stripes and spots I'd stop, pick up that sharp little shard and cut.

The ball came four months after everything started. After that first disgustingly vile thought. Everything was going great. I was just like one of the group again. I laughed and smiled again for the first time in months. I had forgotten everything about liking my mom like that. Up until her little song. Jealously flared in my heart while I watched Munkustrap touch her in that way. I knew he didn't mean it. It was all just an act, a dance, I told myself. Besides why should I be jealous?

I sat back and was one of the crowd until the little beetle tap dance part. I ran out ahead of everyone else to get her attention, flaunting my rear in her direction. She just waved it off as cheekiness and put me back in line. I sighed a little and went back to being "normal".

When everyone watched me touch Bombi's thigh they thought I was coming on to her. I wasn't. She had a bug on her leg. She got mad. She thought what everyone else was thinking. She would've slapped me if Munk hadn't been looking in her direction. Slapped me or fucked me until I wished I hadn't touched her to begin with. Later, when she thought no one was looking, she walked up to me, and huskily purred, "I want to repay you for earlier." She rubbed up the inside of my leg, down again and kissed me. I pulled away. I didn't like her like that.

During the mating dance I was stuck with Bombi again. I have nothing against her. I just didn't want to be with her while I could be doing these things to my mom. I mentally slapped myself for that thought and pretended to enjoy what Bombi was doing to me. I couldn't forget those thoughts that came to me during those minutes, those horrible, awful thoughts. I began pretending that she was my mom, and I as doing those things to her. Caressing her and make her moan and whimper from my touch. I was scared again.

After the ball was all over and I could stop pretending to be normal I ran to the far side of the junkyard and grabbed a new, sharper piece of glass. I couldn't risk going home where everything reminded me of her. I took the glass and started cutting, to kill the thoughts. I was scared; I needed those thoughts to be gone. I kept cutting deeper, and deeper until I passed out. I woke up in a pool of my own blood. Everything was so bright, and I couldn't sit up. I couldn't move. Every part of me felt like it was weighed down by lead. In the distance I could hear cats calling my name. Her voice rang out the loudest. Part of me wanted to yell "I'm over here," and the other part wanted to lie here and die while they continued to look and worry. I listened to the first part and yelled, "I'm over on the far side of the junkyard." I fell back from the effort and mewed weakly.

A clatter of metal made me look over to the nearest junk pile. My savior had come, in all his black and white splotched glory, lifting me up into his arms, careful not to shift me too suddenly. He carried me back to the clearing where everyone had retreated. Everyone saw me, and when they did, pain and shock flashed in their eyes.

"He was laying in a puddle of blood," Alonzo recounted with a solemnity to his voice.

I saw the sadness on my mom's face. I saw the tears forming in Tumbles eyes, and I saw the shame onall my other friends' faces.

"Why?" Mistoffelees asked. "Why would you do such a thing?"

The look he gave me then killed the last innocent part of me. Everyone looked right at me and waited. I finally managed to choke out "To kill these thoughts that plague me," and slipped into a world of gentle black that I didn't want to wake from.

Yes I know… Disturbing, but please don't flame me. I wanted to try my hand at something more serious than the other stories I'm writing.

I'd really like some reviews on this story… I'm not sure how it sounds to ya'll, so please review?


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